They're all a bit naughty, but they make me smile.
However, if they offend you, please accept my heartfelt indifference and feel free to seek your amusement elsewhere.
Rosalind, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
As you'd possibly think.
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass.
A lady, whilst dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's dong in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!”
It always delights me at Hanks,
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass,
I stepped on and ass.
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"
There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose?"
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!"
(I first heard this at the City Variety's, Leeds during the early 1960's when I should have been attending night school!)
There was a young man of Coblenz,
Whose bollocks were simply immense.
It took forty draymen,
A priest and three laymen,
To carry them thither and thence!
There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant.
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, Oh! She knew! But she went!
A lady, on climbing Mount Shasta,
Complained as the mountain grew vaster,
That, it wasn't the climb,
Nor the dirt and the grime,
But the ice on her ass that harassed her!
There once was a young man of Gwent,
Who's tool was surprisingly bent.
So, to save him the trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he, with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
There was a young maiden named Rose,
With erogenous zones in her toes.
She remained onanistic
'Til a foot fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
There was a young man of Kings Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl, with a laugh
As she fondled his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin!"
A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The insides of my thighs
Just look like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day!"
There was a young lady of Louth,
Who returned from a trip to the south.
Her papa said "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in by your mouth!"
There was a young lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all!
There was a young lady of Cheam
Who crept into the vestry unseen
She pulled down her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's
And said, "How about it old bean?"
There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should and he would.
And he did and he goddam' near killed her!
There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Who's sex life was strangely amiss.
For, even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than
There was a young girl of Darjeeling,
Who would dance with exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound,
For miles around,
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
When Titian was mixing Rose Madder,
His model was poised on a ladder,
“Your position,” said Tition
So he nipped up the ladder and 'ad 'er.
There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who did the Fandango on skates,
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless.
And practically useless on dates!
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist,
If the fellows insist.
But she really prefers to wear gloves!
" 'Tis my custom", said dear Lady Norris,
"To beg lifts from drivers of lorries.
When they get out to piss,
I see things that I miss
At the wheel of my two-seater Morris!"
There was a young Scot of Delray
Who buggered his father one day.
Saying, "I like it rather
To stuff it up father;
He's clean - and there's nothing to pay!"
There was a young plumber of Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing;
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
A young man, with passions quit gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury!
A worried young man of Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the Doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe of the lipstick, you fool!"
There was a young girl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
"But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.
And loud was his mirth,
For, on all of this Earth,
There were only two balls - and he 'ad 'em!
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Grew out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds!
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier.
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria!
There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly to belly.
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!
A marine being sent to Hon Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool,
Flat and thin as a rule.
When he got there he found he was wrong!