"Let's just say I reached the age of consent 75,000 consents ago."
Shelley Winters
"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."
Larry Lorenzoni
"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it's not for you."
Ogden Nash
"I still think of myself as I was 25 years ago. Then I look in the mirror and see an old bastard and realize it's me."
Dave Allen
"I'm pushing 60. That is enough exercise for me."
Mark Twain
"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, ' Blue goes with everything'."
Joan Rivers
"I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find I don't want to do them."
Nancy Astor
"I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have my bladder to do that for me."
Stephen Fry
"Avenge yourself, live long enough to be a problem to your children."
Kirk Douglas
"A little old lady in the nursing home holds up her clenched fist and announces, 'Anyone who can guess what I have in my closed hand can have sex with me tonight.' An elderly gentleman calls out, 'An elephant.' 'Close enough.' she replies."
anon
"Life isn't measured by how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
Chinese saying
"I used to have a sign over my computer that read, 'Old Dogs Can Learn New Tricks', but lately I sometimes ask myself how many more tricks I want to learn. Wouldn't it be easier to be outdated?"
anon
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"I'm 42 around the chest, 52 around the waist, 92 around the golf course and a nuisance around the house."
Groucho Marx
"Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake."
Jo Brand
"You know you're getting old when you go on holiday and always pack a sweater."
Denis Norden
"I had to go to the doctor's last week. He told me to take all my clothes off. Then he said, 'You'll have to diet.' I said, 'What colour?'."
Ken Dodd
"We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing."
George Bernard Shaw
"One of the advantages of being 70 is that you only need 4 hours' sleep. True, you need it 4 times a day, but still."
Denis Norden
"If I had my life to live over again, I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would not have said, 'Later. Now let's go get washed for dinner.' There would have been more I love you's and more I'm sorry's. I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it... live it... and never give it back."
Erma Bombeck
(and I wish she'd said this to me when I was 18. However, would I have listened or understood? - BG)
"Now that I'm 78, I do tantric sex because it's very slow. My favourite position is called the plumber. You stay in all day but nobody comes!"
John Mortimer
"When you're young, you don't know, but you don't know you don't know, so you take some chances."
"In your 20s and 30s you don't know and you know you don't know, and that tends to freeze you; less risk taking."
"In your 40s you know, but you don't know you know, so you may still be a little tentative."
"But then, as you pass 50, if you've been paying attention, you know, and you know you know - TIME FOR SOME FUN....!"
George Carlin
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